The Story...part 7

Harry and Sally

For the record, when I started writing this story, I didn't imagine it would take this many posts to get it all out. My apologies.

Scott and I dated for approximately 2 months that summer of 09'. We had a good run. A little summer love. But it faded (for me anyway) and well, you know what happened. So here we were, broken up and still missing each other. I didn't have many friends in town you see, and being busy with school, I didn't have a ton of time to make the effort to meet up with anybody else. Scott was an easy solution. Down the street and convenient. And he was always up for a good time. I was hoping to maintain that.

Scott and I had talked or text every few days for a week or two after the breakup. Then, we made the big leap. He invited me over one night with a few friends. I questioned whether it would be awkward or not. He assured me that it wouldn't (wrong) and that I should still come over. So I did. It was awkward. I wasn't sure how to act. He wasn't sure either. There were parts of our relationship that were the same, and other parts we weren't sure where to draw the line anymore. This continued for another few weeks until we FINALLY got our groove back. Just like Stella.

From then on, we were inseparable. Fall marched on and school drove me crazy. The kids and I made sure to stop by Scott's house on our trick-or-treating rounds for Halloween. He even spent Thanksgiving with me and my entire extended family since his was out of town. And yes, I did received the third degree after that. "Are you suuurrree you're just friends??" I think I learned how much he cared about me when he stepped up to play Santa at Tucker's preschool 1 hour before the party started. I was in charge of finding a Santa and I had someone fall through last minute. Scott came to my rescue and did fabulously. I started helping him with work at night by accompanying him on light checks. He would have to drive clear to the other side of town to check lightbulbs in apartment complexes. It was mundane work for him and he enjoyed having someone to keep him company. So it became our routine one night a month. We both looked forward to that night more than we would ever admit. We maintained our ping pong/Nintendo regime and would have hours of what we referred to as pillow talk. Talking in the dark about anything and everything.

I didn't think I still had feelings for Scott. I had put those in the back of my mind and was comfortable being good friends with him. We both felt lucky we could have the friendship that we did. When we were comfortable enough, he would talk to me about other girls and I would give him the best advice I could. It didn't bother me.I rarely went on dates. Maybe 1-2 in that timeframe. I would vent to Scott and he would assure me that I was indeed still a catch. He was honest in his feelings towards me still. I appreciated his honesty but encouraged him to not hold back and date other girls. So he did. 

Scott and I learned more about each other in those two years than we ever would have if we were together. We both made mistakes. And we both learned from then. I was hurt on more than one occasion by him. Not from anything directed towards me, but at other choices that he had made. Somehow, we still cared what each other thought. If we needed someone to talk to, we would go to each other. If we felt the need to apologize or confess any wrongdoing, we would go to each other. We weren't sure why because we knew we obviously weren't dating, but that's how we felt. Our friends would watch us and wonder why we weren't together yet. I think it drove them all crazy. We would call each other after dates to give the run down of exactly what happened and how we felt. I specifically remembering stopping by his house both before and I after I went on a certain date, with texting during as well. We were ridiculous. And yet, we couldn't quite see it.

The summer of 10' we decided to take a road trip. I was ecstatic because it meant I would have one on one time with Scott. I still had a tiny crush on him, but was determined that still, nothing would become of our relationship so I dismissed it. But I loved spending time with him. Last minute a girlfriend of ours came along for the ride and off we went for the weekend. That trip didn't go as planned. Minus a lot of details, I learned a lot about Scott that weekend. A lot that affected my views about him and our relationship. We learned about who were were and our feelings for one another. We got in our first big fight. After that trip, everything changed.

I couldn't trust him. I didn't know who he was as a person. Ultimately I told him I didn't know if I could be his friend anymore. That felt awful. I felt as if I was losing my best friend. He was quiet. And speechless for once in his life. We didn't speak for close to a week. Slowly, I worked through my feelings and reached out to him for a reconciliation. That was a lot rougher than I thought it would be. We couldn't quite understand each other's feelings. We couldn't determine what our relationship was exactly because we knew that it was more than a normal friendship. It took months to work through the kinks. During that time I moved from my house just down the street from him to a house 10 minutes away. Still close, but just far enough. It was a good and bad thing. I felt very alone during that time. Our relationship just wasn't the same. I also noticed twinges of jealousy popping up when he would mention other girls' names or talk about dates he had gone on. I tried to dismiss them as best I could, reminding myself we weren't dating and I didn't have control over him.

He continued to date, I didn't. Also very frustrating for me. I was getting close to graduation and contemplating a move across town once I was able. I was beginning to get antsy and living so close to Scott was starting to interfere with any desire to want to meet other people. I wanted to be with him continuously and yet still was afraid to commit to my feelings for him. That winter I graduated Nursing School after 2 horrendous years. Scott was right there at my graduation to support me. My classmates had continually told me he loved me and that I just needed to accept it. I was not ready. He put together a beautiful picture of my family with a quote on it for my graduation. I might have cried. That Christmas he brought me a toychest for my kids. One that he had painted and etched their names into. I knew this was not an ordinary gift for just "friends." He informs me now this was a peace offering :)

The holidays rolled by and I began the job search. Scott continued a search of his own and began chasing a girl in his ward. For whatever reason, I struggled a lot. He had never officially dated or truly liked anyone since we had been friends. This was the first. I was devastated. He would hang out with her and then call me later or want to hang out with me afterwards. I did not find this fair to both her or me. And I called him out on it. I cried a lot during that time, frustrated that I felt this way over someone that I was adament on remaining just friends with. This was supposed to be what I wanted right? What I told him to do!And yet, I couldn't handle it. I spent my free time having movie nights on my own in my roomm with my laptop. Something that I actually quite enjoyed, but was also possibly encouraging my depression. I would complain for hours to our mutual friend Nick, venting my frustrations. One night, when Nick was over, he confirmed my suspicion of Scott's relationship with the "other woman." They had kissed. I cried myself to sleep that night. I called Scott first thing in the morning when I woke up. I asked him to confirm my findings. He paused for a long time and said yes. I explained to him I couldn't be his friend anymore, that it was too hard and I had allowed myself to be too close and too much a part of his life. I knew I shouldn't be this upset over the situation if we were just friends. I hung up the phone and cried for the next hour.

Scott and I didn't speak for two weeks. It seemed like 2 years. We had never gone that long without speaking. We sent a couple short emails to each other, but that was it. From what I could gather from my facebook stalking and from Nick, he seemed to be doing fine. Too fine in my opinion. I was torn up. See this post to get an idea. Towards the end of the second week of not talking, I went on a ward camping trip with my kids. I knew Scott was camping that weekend as well and close by. Not talking to him was killing me. But I was very slowly accepting it. That night as I lay in my tent next to two wiggly children struggling to sleep, I allowed myself to think of possibilities. The possibility of what if Scott and I did get back together. I had never allowed myself to do that. I had pushed it out of my head before I even gave it a second thought. I pondered it for close to an hour and it brought me joy thinking about it. For the first time in a long time, I felt some comfort. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I knew I had serious feelings for Scott and I needed him to know.