The Story...part 6

The Test

Five whole days in the big apple. five days with two girlfriends. five days with one especially nosy girlfriend.. i didn't want to make anything obvious. i didn't want to explain how my feelings for scott were remaining stagnant. i was just as frustrated-i didn't need reassurance from an outside source. we spent a few late nights and a couple long ferry rides discussing the obvious. i spoke highly of scott. he was a good boyfriend. and a good change. i barely scraped the surface of my concern over my feelings. i didn't want to give away what i was contemplating doing. i needed time and my own thoughts. i spoke to scott every night. i missed him, but i was doing ok on my own. probably too ok, i thought.

i returned home and things went right back to how they were. it was good to see him, but i remained frustrated. i pondered and prayed over what i should do. i was tormented over the thought of hurting him. i almost wished that he would do something horrible to give me a good reason to end things so i wouldn't have to be the bad guy. believe it or not, that would have been easier. eventually, i went to the temple. i sat in tears as i accepted what needed to be done. i knew it was the right thing.

scott invited the kids and me over to swim later that afternoon after my temple visit. i couldn't pretend to act normal. i felt awful and remained distant. i didn't know when or how to pull the trigger. i had never done this before. what would i even say? eventually we went home and i put the kids to bed. i put on my big girl panties and wandered back over to his house later in the evening... with a big lump in my throat.

we sat on the couch mindlessly watching tv. all i could think about was what i was going to say, searching for the right words. after a short time, scott turned off the tv and turned to me. "do you want to talk about it?" he said. he knew something was wrong. i said i didn't want to and buried my head in his shoulder, hoping to avoid the inevitable. eventually, i took a deep breath and the words started stumbling out. i explained how i felt, how frustrated i was and gave him the essential, "it's not you, it's me" speech through crocodile tears. i talked for maybe 10 minutes, although it felt like 10 hours. i ended and looked at him, looking for any sort of reaction. he slowly started to pull himself away from me, secretly making me feel worse, and was quiet for a long time. he mumbled a few, "it's ok, i appreciate you telling me" and we again sat in awkward silence. eventually he interrupted both of cloudy thoughts with the suggestion we go for a drive. yes, i thought, anything to be distracted. we hopped in the car and drove and talked some more. i cried and cried and apologized profusely. he probably thought i was going overboard with the crying, but he didn't realize what a blow this was to me. i was afraid i was giving up more than just a boyfriend, but possibly my closest friend as well. he begged me to stop and assured me he was fine. i wondered how he was so calm about it. after awhile of driving aimlessly and me finally taking a few deep breaths, we ended at his house next to my car. it was time for us to say goodbye. i wasn't sure what was next for us. would it be too awkward for us to stay friends at all? it killed me to think i might lose him altogether. we stalled at my car for another 5 minutes, unsure of what to say. after an awkward hug and goodbye peck, we parted ways.

after a rough night of sleep, i dragged myself to school the next day and tried to keep myself distracted with the mundane lectures and textbooks. i checked my phone continuously, hoping for any word from scott. i'm sure he's heartbroken, i thought. he's probably never going to want to speak to me again, i feared! as i headed home from school, my phone rang. lo and behold, it was from scott! he was calling to check up on me, he said. he was doing fine but was worried for me. this gave me a slight glimmer of hope that maybe he didn't hate me. i didn't hear from him for another day or two. i became worried. maybe he had a change of heart, i thought. maybe he really does hate me. the following day, i listened to my voicemails on my phone and it was then i realized we were going to be just fine. scott left me a message while at work with his best friend devin- the beyonce song "halo" was on the radio and scott belted it over the phone to me in his worst best singing interpretation. you see, this was one of tucker's favorite songs at the time, and he loved to sing along to it. the song ended and he finished the voicemail with a few goofy lines that made no sense. that was it for me. this gave me hope that we would be friends just fine. if he could forgive me enough to sing me a beyonce song over voicemail, we were going to be just fine. i should write a book giving that advice..

a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. i knew his friendship was something i valued in my life. what i didn't know was what sort of friends we would become over the next two years..