The Story...part 5

The "G" word


The next day was a Sunday. I was excited to see Scott that day at church and get a better idea of how this whole thing was going to play out. I put my kids down for their afternoon naps after our morning church and headed to do double duty at the Singles Ward. I arrived and peaked my head in the chapel. There he was, in his usual spot-front left, 2nd row. I snuck in next to him and was greeted with a cheesy grin. We exchanged a couple nervous "hi's" before we were interrupted and the meeting began. We sat through about 20 minutes of the meeting before I was wondering why he hadn't held my hand, put his arm around me-nothin! I'm an affectionate person and I need to hold hands in church dangit or my mind starts to play those silly second guess-ing games. So, this time I took the reigns. I reached over and grabbed his hand. He looked over and smiled and all was right with the world. Little did we know, our discreet hand-holding in church would cause such an uproar. Scott was approached about who his new girl was by more than one person after sacrament. You can't hide much in that ward. We ended church and Scott was called out by work to go check on a job at a shopping complex. He asked if I would accompany him on his drive and I happily obliged. We hopped in his truck and made our way down the road, both carefully sharing our thoughts on the night before. While doing so, he reached over and grabbed my hand and held tight for the remainder of the drive. I couldn't think straight after he did this, for I was concentrating so much on how I felt about the whole situation. The kiss, the hand holding..ahh! He jabbered on about how happy he was and I continued to be very cautious in my thought process. I chose my wording very carefully.."I'm ok with telling people that we are dating." I said. In my mind, dating meant we WEREN'T boyfriend/girlfriend. Dating meant we were going on dates and we'll just see how it goes. Somehow, that made me feel better and helped take the pressure off. Somehow it made me thing that I still had one foot in the dating pool and the other with Scott. I wasn't sure how I felt about this commitment thing yet.

The next evening we somehow ended up where we always did-Walmart. We wandered the aisles holding hands-something that I was still getting used to. We ended up running into an old friend of Scott's. "This is my girlfriend Bonnie!" he said, as he introduced me. A big lump formed in my throat. Wait...I thought...we're boyfriend/girlfriend? I was sure I was clear on the whole "just dating" thing. Wait-that wasn't clear? My thoughts raced as I determined what this meant. You see, I had never really dated much at all. I don't really know how to do it. I have only technically had 1 boyfriend in my dating career. Maybe 1.5 if you're stretching it. One kiss and all of a sudden we're boyfriend/girlfriend?? My mind fixated on this title the rest of the night. I had a boyfriend? And it was this guy Scott? This is craziness. Eventually, I reminded myself to just go with it. He wasn't so bad and I think I DID kind of like him. Let's just see where this goes....I chanted in my head over and over.  

So..we dated. We started dating June of 2009. Approximately 6 weeks after we met. It took me a long time to realize that maybe he really did like me. Maybe he was actually being genuine. He  would bring me little gifts every Friday with homemade cards. "Just Because It's Friday." cards he called them. My favorite laffy taffy, a gift card to Target, chocolate. Always something small, but enough to show me that he cared. I was very hesitant to have him meet my kids, and he respected that. We gradually incorporated the kids into a couple of our activities, but nothing too formal. He would come over and wrestle with the kids, running them wild. They seemed to think he was ok. A lot funner than me at least. We tried to figure out this dating this together. We went camping for my birthday, dates with friends and long drives to anywhere in or out of the city.

I waited for my feelings to get stronger. Waited...and waited...and they didn't come. I felt stagnant. I felt frustrated. I kept fast forwarding to the future. I wanted to be crazy about my future husband. I didn't want to settle. There were still things about Scott I was unsure of. Unsure if I was attracted to those qualities about him. Unsure if he could handle the responsibility of children. He was a goofy dude and I wasn't sure I could handle that. I wondered how much time I should give it. He was a great guy and always treated me with kindness and respect, so I wanted to give him a chance but...ugh. I never thought I would be in this situation. I thought it would be so easy, but it was turning out to be quite the opposite. I prayed frequently, I counciled with my friends and I waited still, searching for anything that would give me a reason to hold on. School was going to start soon. I had a whole summer of fun and I couldn't fathom keeping up with school and having to keep up with a relationship. It seemed like too much. In August, I took a girls' trip to New York with 2 of my best friends. Scott gave me a sweet card as I left and we parted ways. I thought this might give me a hint as to how I felt about him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I thought. This was my test..