mother's thoughts

on august 2, 2004 6 am, i finally awoke to one of the most anticipated calls of my life. the hospital. "hey, come in and give birth to your baby!" they said. (maybe not those exact words-it was 6 am. i was in a coma.) after one of the worst sleeps i've had pre motherhood, i hopped out of bed, jumped in the shower and tried to make myself pretty. (difficult task for anyone who is full term pregnant). after i was done, we finally headed out. on the way to the hospital, (the whole mile), we listened to foo fighters "aurora." i specifically remember saying, "now we can always remember this is the song we listened to on the day we had grace." and i do remember that everytime i hear the song. i was extremely nervous. i was young and life had been a whirlwind the past year. i was so excited to have a baby finally. one of my own. if you know me, you know my love for babies. i was also afraid of the pain. but, if you also know me, my body was made to birth babies apparently. after 4 uneventful, mostly painfree hours (minus 15 minutes of contractions before epidural), she was here.

beautiful grace.

i was overwhelmed. she became my life at that very moment. no matter what, i had her. since the second i knew i was pregnant, i felt an indescribable need to protect her. the "mama bear" complex if you will. she would not suffer for any of my mistakes. she was a gift and a beautiful one at that. my life was not perfect, but she absolutely was. she taught me a lot about myself. she gave me a focus and a need. 16 months later,

tucker came

and taught me the same. in a different way. i struggled to bond with tuck after his birth. i was still trying to accept that i was even pregnant so soon let alone, accept he was actually here. (i found out i was pregnant with him at 19 wks:) i couldn't imagine loving him the same that i loved grace. and i felt guilty. not too mention my pp depression was in full swing. but after time, it came. and it was perfect. i couldn't imagine our family without him. he was such a sweet spirit and beautiful baby. i couldn't imagine my life without my kids. they are my rock. throughout a struggling marriage, and no real home of our very own, i had my kids. i don't know how i could've gone through my divorce without them. i would probably still be huddled in the fetal position in my room without them. everything i do is for them. that's what i have been remembering the past few days as i kill myself studying for my finals. it's all for them. me becoming a nurse is not for myself in anyway. it's for my beautiful babies.