defined

today i woke up and read this. which lead me to this. which lead me to this. interesting reads, at an interesting time. i thought all morning about it. i couldn't get it out of my head. i had just reminded myself last night, after watching a certain movie, that i should not be allowed to watch "chick movies" all about love and romance. it just is not healthy for me sometimes. it invites me to throw myself a pity part and live in a world that just is not reality. it invites me to look at what i don't have instead of what i do. it invites me to feel ungrateful and bitter. most times, i allow myself to do all of those, and it becomes easier and easier unfortunately.

i am mormon. i am 26. i have been divorced and single for almost 5 years. it has felt like 10. i have been in one relationship over those 4 years. i average 3 dates a year. those are my statistics. but those don't define me.

 to some, they chose to define themselves by sex. and in a sex driven society, it is easy to do so. my non-members friends find it outrageous i have abstained for so long. they don't think it's fair and don't see any logic in it. they focus on everything i'm missing out on. i focus on the strength i'm gaining by "missing" out on it. in other words, my 26 year old self can kick the crap out of my 18 year old self. as a woman who conceived a child outside the bonds of marriage, i'm all too familar with the "human nature" we all carry. i'm well aware of emotions, hormones and "natural man" that drives people to do what they do, without a care in the world. i also know it was one of the hardest times in my life. when sex is the focus of your world, it becomes a dark place. in a matter of weeks i lost any self-esteem i had as a 18 year old girl. i felt completely useless and alone. i became distant to those that knew me best and clung to those that wouldn't judge me. the day i discovered i was pregnant was one of the worst days i've ever experienced. the overwhelming grief and shame i felt was more than i could bear. i had let something so sacred and reserved for marriage become a careless act that had spun out of control and now it affected others, mainly my unborn child. i spent weeks in what i considered to be "hiding." i couldn't accept what i had done. i spent many sundays crying shameful tears throughout sacrament meeting. i felt an almost silly urge to warn those poor young woman that you're not invicible! no one is safe! ruunnn!! because how could that happen to me? i was the bishop's daughter. i didn't even date in high school. and by golly, i didn't even kiss anyone until i was 17. now that's a set-up for success, no?

but we all know how things turned out. and i have vowed to never to let such a "carnal instinct", if you will, drive me to any decision. i have gotten a lot of flack for maybe being too picky in my taste of men. but i have decided if i can't get what i deserve, i don't want it. i won't get married just for the perks. just for the companionship, the sex or the 2nd income. because when those are stripped, you're still stuck with each other whether you love each other or not. and let's hope you do. i am surrounded by an enormously blessed family. my siblings and parents each are blessed with spouses that adore them and they adore. their children are beautiful and the product of an eternal marriage. their lives according to me, are perfection. this is what i strive for. this is part of the plan Heavenly Father wants for us. but that's not always how it goes for everyone. our paths are all different. some have a harder journey than others. i'm still learning how to accept that.

maybe my thoughts will change if i'm 36 and still not married (i hope they wont). but the principle won't. the plan won't. Heavenly Father wants us to be blessed and feel loved. but i don't accept that His main concern is about sex. the longer i am alone, the more i struggle to feel beautiful, amazing or anything else that might go into such a catagory. so in the meantime, i find love and acceptance from family, my children and my friends. i find it in snuggles, in "i love you's", hugs and compliments. it doesn't always fill the void, but it will help if you allow it. i've learned, although i don't always remember it, that you can be happy,single and a devoted member of the church. imagine that.